Children need both freedoms and limits. Freedoms without limits create chaos in the families and anxiety for children. Too many limits with barely any freedoms leads to unmet needs. How do you get this right?

Are you finding it challenging to draw the line between respecting your child’s needs and wants, while at the same time setting appropriate limits? Does setting a limit feel like an imposition on your child’s rights and their sense of freedom? 

You are not alone. It can be tricky to navigate the new way we build relationships with our children, especially as we become more aware of their rights and needs. So is it OK to say “no” to your child and how many times? How to stay clear of overindulging?

The right balance of both freedoms and limits not only helps our children develop, it also builds our relationship with them. 

Freedoms without limits create chaos in the families and anxiety for children. Too many limits with barely any freedoms leads to unmet needs. When the child’s needs are not met they either withdraw or become aggressive. It is important to get a balance of both.

What does the right balance look like?

The balance is built on the needs of the child and the needs of those around the child. Your child does have a human right to getting their needs met, and so when it comes to their needs, it is wise to say yes and to allow for conditions that will meet that need. We are not setting limits on our children’s needs. We only set limits on their wants — the way they want something to happen is negotiable. We are in charge of that.

Think “reasonable” and you will be on the right path.

When we understand the difference between needs and wants, we see that when it comes to meeting the child’s needs, this is usually simple. What tends to drain our resources and drives us to our wits ends is when we try to cater to every wish and want. Children may have endless wants, but their needs are few and simple. 

The child’s needs are very reasonable. That is the other part to getting the balance right. As we consider freedoms and limits, we need to keep them reasonable. The child’s level of maturity, our own needs, and the resources available will help us figure out what is reasonable for each specific situation.