As the seriousness of concern about Coronavirus becomes undeniable, more adults are likely to take action to protect themselves and those around them. However, the way we do this really matters when it comes to the wellbeing of the children we care for. How we talk about coronavirus can either support their needs or become disruptive to normal child development.

 

Everyone is talking about coronavirus and so should you, right? Wait! Before you talk to your kids about Coronavirus (COVID-19), I want to talk to you first. One of the things I feel compelled to discuss with you is how NOT to talk to your children about the virus or any other types of crises of this kind.

There are plenty of resources on HOW to talk to your children about it, so I am not going to add my two cents here. Instead, I would rather take this time to discuss with you what to do BEFORE you talk to your kids about coronavirus. And if you need additional resources, you can check out the ones I trust and find comprehensive enough, and read them on your own (scroll to the bottom of this page).

On the heels of yesterday, as the World Health Organization called the coronavirus crisis a pandemic and as President Donald Trump announced drastic measures in his address to the nation, the seriousness of concern became undeniable even for those who had initially downplayed the risks of coronavirus.

What this means is that more adults are likely to take action to protect themselves and those around them. However, the way we do this really matters when it comes to the wellbeing of the children we care for. Will we help them go through this in ways that support their needs or in ways that disrupt their development?

 

Though not life-threatening, as some viruses are, emotions are extremely contagious

 

It is ingrained into our biology to look for clues in other people’s emotions and behavior for the sake of our own survival. We do this without being aware. The younger we are and the more dependent we are, the more likely it is that we will automatically scan our environment for threat messages.

These are delivered to us through other people’s words, but most importantly through their non-verbal cues and body language. And if you didn’t know, body language is deeply driven by emotions. So before you talk to your child about coronavirus, there are some things you need to think about for yourself and ask yourself a few questions.

 

Do NOT talk about coronavirus without a goal in mind

 

First of all, ask yourself why you’d like to talk to your child. This may sound silly, because you already know that you want to talk to your child and this may feel like a good enough reason. But wanting to talk to your child does not mean you know why you want to do that. Unless you know why, the conversation — especially about serious matters of concern to you — can go in many different directions. Sometimes, very unhelpful directions.

When it comes to situations that create a lot of questions, concerns, and fears for most people, we have to be very clear about our reasons for talking about them with children. If we are too emotional and unclear about the matter, we will scare and confuse our kids. 

 

Yes, you should talk to your child.

And yes, your child should hear it from you.

Why? Because you are the one they rely on.

 

At the same time, ask yourself about the goals for your conversation about coronavirus. Is your goal to inform? Is your goal to reassure? Is your goal to share your own feelings and concerns? What is your goal?

We have to keep in mind our child’s developmental needs, so that whatever we do or say is done from a place of support for them. All children need to feel safe and taken care of. 

 

The child’s need to have a sense of normalcy and predictability is immensely higher than their need for facts and information.

 

And so, although there are many uncertainties about coronavirus, there are also a number of things that are and continue to be certain and predictable in our lives. And those are the things both children and adults need to focus on.

This is true in any type of crisis, and is 100% applicable right now as we face a coronavirus pandemic. Ask yourself how your conversation will add to their sense of safety. Reassurance is the only reasonable goal for talking with your child about coronavirus.

 

It’s NOT what they do, it’s what you feel

 

This may be surprising to hear but whether children feel protected and safe is actually based on how we feel about the situation, rather than what we have the children do about it. They will not feel any better if they wash their hands a hundred times a day, but they will feel safe and grounded when adults around them are confident and calm.

So if we also feel grounded and are just asking our children to continue with their regular routines of washing hands, keeping things clean, sneezing into their sleeve, keeping toys out of their mouth, etc. — they are more likely to go through the situation without resistance and emotionally unaffected.

 

However, if out of the sense of protection, we are anxiously hurrying our children into doing these same things by being too concerned or too afraid of what might happen, then we are increasing the chances of our children getting traumatized. If, in addition to that, we are lecturing them and making sure they hear about our fears, then children are being placed at risk for developing unhealthy thought patterns.

 

There is an obvious difference in how things come across when they are based in basic guidance as opposed to when they are based in fear.

 

We can say things like: “We always sneeze into the sleeve” or “We only put food in our mouths” and “We always wash hands after we [blank] or before we [blank].“ Compare this to: “If you don’t wash your hands you’ll get sick!” or “If you keep putting things in your mouth you’ll get coronavirus!” Of course, I’m exaggerating here, but only to point out the difference.

Hopefully, this helps you check yourself about what you’re saying, how you are saying it, and for what reason. How we will say something will depend 100% on how we feel about it. That is why it is important that we check in with ourselves before we talk with children about coronavirus.

 

Do NOT talk about coronavirus unless you are ready

 

How do you know you are ready to have the conversation? A quick answer to that is when you have your own fears resolved and can offer lots of genuine reassurance.

If you are speaking from a place of fear, your emotions will prevent you from helping children learn what they need to know and process what is expected of them. Emotions will get in the way of you addressing the coronavirus topic with your child in a developmentally appropriate manner.

I’m not saying this to invalidate the seriousness of the situation or how strongly we may feel about it. This is a natural crisis, no denying it. However, as with any other critical situations, we can react out of fear or focus on responding with logic and self control.

 

Critical situations do not have to result in panic. Panic is generated by unprocessed emotions — fears in particular — not by the critical conditions per se.

 

And as I am saying this, think about the fears that a developmentally inappropriate approach can create for the child, and how these unprocessed fears can then lead to anxiety and behavioral dysregulation. We can respond to a crisis in the best ways possible when we control our emotions and use thinking and problem-solving to get us to the other side. Panic, which occurs from fear, robs us of our ability to reason and see opportunities to improve our conditions.

In order to be ready for a conversation about coronavirus, we have to feel in control of ourselves and our emotions. If we are overwhelmed by information, can’t tell facts from fiction, then we will confuse our children more than we will help them.

Remember that as adults, we can deal with confusion more effectively than children. We have tools at our disposal, such as reasoning and access to reliable sources, as compared to our children who rely on us as their trusted go-to adults.

 

Our own self-regulation comes first

 

Ask yourself, how do you feel about coronavirus? In order to be our child’s best resource and make sure they come to us with questions, rather than get influenced by other people, we have to be emotionally regulated. From a calm and regulated state of being, we will be able to support them.

So let’s think about this… What is it we need for ourselves as adults in order to feel grounded and balanced as we face this biological challenge together? How can we take care of our own fears instead of sharing them with our children? (Not a good idea, believe me.)

That is why I’m asking you to ask yourself: “How do I feel about this crisis? Do I have everything I need in order to feel in control and be able to address this in my own family and in my own life?” Continue with more questions, as needed:

 

If I don’t feel in control, what I can do in my life right now?

What do I need in order to feel in control and what I can do?

Am I catastrophizing and focusing on the future and all the negative aspects of what might happen, or am I responding to the situation in the moment in the best way that I can?

What do I need in order to respond to this situation the best way that I can right now?

Am I reacting out of fear and anxiety or am I responding reasonably?

What is the best way that my children can respond to this situation right now?

What is reasonable for them to do and to know about the situation right now?

What will make them feel safe and that they are not in danger, because I am here for them?

 

This is truly the case where you need to help yourself, before you will be helpful for your child. Unless we have processed our confusion, we will not be clear with our children. When we are scared, we make our children anxious and fearful. Get yourself what you need, so that we can give your children what they need in a developmentally appropriate way.

And when you are ready to talk with your children, here are some resources that I trust and share a similar point of view:

 

Healthy Children by American Academy of Pediatrics 

National Association of School Psychologists

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Handwashing and Hand Sanitizer Use at Home, at Play, and Out and About 

 

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