When a child avoids talking to us it may feel like they have secrets and keep things from us. Should we worry? How do we handle situations where all we get is one-word answers? Is something wrong and how do we fix it? Let’s explore! 

 

Do you feel like your children have secret lives of their own? If your child is not sharing as many things with you as they used to, you may be wondering why. And when they give you one-word responses or would rather talk about things to their friends, that may be alarming to you.  Do they seem less interested in discussing different things with you? 

 

All of these behaviors can make it seem as though our children, who used to share all-the-things, are now hiding something from us. Do they have secrets? If so, what do we do about it?  

 

Understanding the reasons for the child’s “secret life”

 

First of all, this is important to address because it does create stress for us parents. It is not a pleasant experience to feel like your child is less interested in spending time together with you. It is even more concerning to think they hold secrets from us.

The second reason for this conversation is to give you a set of concepts to guide your understanding of what is happening for your child developmentally. And also, not the least important, what may be going on for you as a parent as you watch your child grow and things between you change. 

 

 

As children grow, they also grow in their capacity to be with themselves

 

Children are not meant to spend all of their time with us and share all of their experiences with us. This is just as true for young children, as it is for older ones. As children grow older, they learn to process things on their own and need us less.

And as much as we would love for them to continue sharing things with us, they simply do not have as much need for it. Instead, they are more likely to keep to themselves. In fact, you can expect more of that the older your child gets. 

 

Being able to have “secret life” is a great developmental milestone

 

What?! Shocking, right? And yet, it is. Although seeing children keep things to themselves can be stressful for us parents, it is actually a sign of growth. Your child is growing into themselves and is developing their sense of boundaries and their Sense of Self.

When children do not share everything that goes on for them, that is also a great sign of boundaries. These personal boundaries help the child develop their Sense of Self. The child’s proper development actually depends on their ability to decide for themselves whether or not they want to share something. 

 

Tune in to this episode of The Parenting Presence to hear:

• what is expected for children developmentally
• is there a difference between what is secret and what is private
• what happens when we worry and asks too many questions
• and how to ensure we continue to have a solid relationship as our children grow and change.

  

 

Additional episodes relevant to this topic:

 

• What Is Connection With Children Really All About? Beyond The Basics
• How To Receive So Children Share, The Gift Of Listening

 

.